How to Talk About STIs with a New Partner

A practical guide to having open, honest conversations about sexual health with a new partner. Learn timing, phrasing, and how to handle results together.

Starting a new sexual relationship is exciting, but it also comes with responsibilities. One of the most important—and often most awkward—conversations is about sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Many people avoid it out of fear of judgment or rejection, but open communication is a cornerstone of healthy intimacy. This article provides a step-by-step guide to talking about STIs with a new partner, including when to bring it up, what to say, and how to handle the conversation with respect and clarity.

In the Netherlands, sexual health services are widely accessible. The STI testing infrastructure includes free or low-cost clinics (GGD) and self-test kits available at pharmacies like Kruidvat or Etos for around €10–€20. Knowing this can reduce anxiety—testing is easy and often free. But first, you need to talk.

Why You Need to Have the Conversation

Discussing STIs is not just about safety; it's about respect and trust. According to the Dutch sexual health organization Soa Aids Nederland, one in six sexually active people in the Netherlands will contract an STI at some point. Common infections like chlamydia and gonorrhea are treatable, but many are asymptomatic. Without testing, you could pass an infection without knowing. Moreover, open dialogue sets a precedent for setting boundaries early in the relationship.

Benefits of having the conversation:

Reduces anxiety for both partners—you both know where you stand.
Builds trust by showing you care about each other's health.
Prevents transmission of STIs that could have long-term health consequences, like pelvic inflammatory disease or infertility.
Normalizes sexual health as a regular part of adult relationships.

When to Bring It Up

Timing matters. Avoid bringing it up right before sex—that puts pressure on both of you and may lead to rushed decisions. Instead, choose a neutral time when you're both relaxed, perhaps over coffee or during a walk. Ideally, have the conversation before any sexual activity begins, even before heavy petting, as some STIs (like herpes or HPV) can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact.

If you're already dating online, you might mention it during early chats. For example, after you've met in person and feel a connection, you could say, “I really like you, and I want us to be safe together. Can we talk about STI testing before we get physical?” This shows responsibility and respect.

In the context of safe adult dating in the Netherlands, it's common to discuss sexual health early, especially among people who are sexually active with multiple partners.

How to Start the Conversation

Starting is often the hardest part. Here are some phrases you can adapt:

“I really enjoy spending time with you, and I want to make sure we're both on the same page about sexual health. Can we talk about STIs?”
“I recently got tested for STIs, and everything was negative. I'd love to share my results with you, and I'd like to know yours too.”
“I think it's important to be open about sexual health. What are your thoughts on getting tested together?”

Notice the tone: positive, collaborative, and non-accusatory. Avoid phrases like “You need to get tested” or “I don't want to catch anything.” Instead, use “we” and “us” to frame it as a shared goal.

What If You Have an STI?

If you have a current or past STI, disclosure is respectful and often expected. Many STIs are manageable, and having one doesn't make you “dirty.” Prepare what you'll say:

“I want to tell you that I have [STI name]. It's treatable/manageable, and I'm on treatment. Here's what that means for us.”
Be ready to explain how it's transmitted, what precautions you take, and how it affects your sex life.
Offer to share information from a doctor or a reliable website like Soa Aids Nederland.

If your partner reacts negatively, give them time to process. Not everyone is educated about STIs, and fear often comes from ignorance. You can suggest they read up on it or talk to a doctor.

What to Discuss: Key Topics

Beyond just “I'm clean,” a thorough conversation includes:

Last test date and results: When did you last get tested? For which infections? Most standard panels include chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and HIV. In the Netherlands, GGD clinics also offer hepatitis B and C tests for high-risk groups.
Number of partners since last test: This isn't about judgment—it's about risk assessment. The more partners, the higher the chance of exposure.
Barrier use: Do you consistently use condoms? With all partners? For oral, vaginal, and anal sex?
Vaccination status: Have you been vaccinated for HPV (often offered to girls and boys around age 12 in the Netherlands) and hepatitis B?
Current symptoms: Any unusual discharge, sores, or pain? If so, postpone sex and test.

If you're unsure about asking for consent in sexual situations, remember that consent also applies to health discussions—you both have the right to know and agree to the level of risk.

Handling Different Reactions

People react differently. Some are relieved you brought it up; others may feel embarrassed or defensive. Here's how to handle common responses:

“I don't have any STIs, I'm clean.” Thank them, but gently note that many STIs have no symptoms. Suggest testing anyway.
“I've never been tested.” Encourage them to get tested together. Offer to go with them to a GGD clinic or help order a self-test kit.
“Why are you asking? Do you have something?” Reassure them you're just being cautious and that you ask all partners. Redirect to shared safety.
“I don't want to talk about it.” This is a red flag in communication. If they refuse to discuss sexual health, consider whether you want to proceed. Sexual health requires mutual openness.

If your partner becomes angry or dismissive, trust your instincts. Someone who refuses to discuss STIs may also ignore other boundaries. In the Netherlands, you can always visit a GGD clinic alone for advice.

Getting Tested Together

One of the best ways to remove awkwardness is to get tested together. Many GGD clinics offer walk-in hours, and you can make it a date-like activity. In Amsterdam, for example, the GGD at Nieuwe Achtergracht 100 offers free STI testing for under-25s and low-cost testing for others. You can also order a home test kit from Soa Aids Nederland for about €15–€30, which you mail in for lab analysis.

Testing together shows solidarity and ensures you both have current results. After testing, agree to use condoms until results come back (usually 1–2 weeks). If one of you tests positive, don't panic. Most STIs are treatable with antibiotics or antivirals. The GGD will provide free treatment and partner notification services.

Maintaining Ongoing Communication

Sexual health is not a one-time conversation. As your relationship evolves, so should your discussions. If you become exclusive, you might decide to stop using condoms after both test negative. If you open the relationship, re-establish testing frequency (e.g., every three months).

Regular check-ins: “We haven't talked about STIs in a while. I'm still negative. How about you?” This normalizes the topic and keeps you both accountable.

Remember, safe adult dating includes ongoing consent and communication. The same skills you use to discuss boundaries and desires apply to sexual health.

Common Myths and Misconceptions

Many people hold incorrect beliefs that hinder open conversation. Let's debunk a few:

“I would know if I had an STI.” False. Most STIs are asymptomatic. The only way to know is to test.
“Condoms protect against everything.” Condoms greatly reduce risk but don't cover all skin-to-skin transmitted infections like herpes or HPV.
“Only promiscuous people get STIs.” Anyone sexually active can get an STI, regardless of number of partners.
“Oral sex is safe.” STIs like gonorrhea, chlamydia, and herpes can be transmitted orally.

Educating yourself and your partner helps reduce stigma. The Dutch government's sexual health website (sense.info) offers reliable information in multiple languages.

Conclusion

Talking about STIs with a new partner may feel uncomfortable, but it's a sign of maturity and respect. By choosing the right time, using positive language, and suggesting testing together, you can turn an awkward conversation into a bonding experience. Remember that sexual health is a shared responsibility. In the Netherlands, resources are abundant—from free GGD clinics to affordable home tests. Don't let fear stop you from having the conversation that protects both your health and your relationship.

For more on healthy dating practices, explore our related articles below.

The Complete Guide to Safe Adult Dating in the Netherlands
How to Ask for Consent: A Practical Guide
Red Flags in Communication: What to Watch For
Setting Boundaries Early in a Relationship
STI Testing in the Netherlands: Where and How