Ghosting—the abrupt disappearance from someone's life without any explanation—has become a common phenomenon in the digital dating world. A 2019 study by the University of Georgia found that about 25% of people have been ghosted and about 20% have ghosted someone else. While it may seem like an easy way out, ghosting often leaves the person on the receiving end confused, hurt, and questioning what went wrong. This article examines the etiquette around ending communication, why people ghost, and how to handle being ghosted with grace and self-respect.
What Is Ghosting?
Ghosting occurs when someone you've been communicating with—whether after one date or several months—stops responding to messages, calls, or any form of contact without any warning or explanation. It can happen at any stage: after a first date, during a serious relationship, or even after years of friendship. The term gained popularity in the mid-2010s with the rise of dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, where conversations can be easily abandoned with a swipe.
Common Reasons People Ghost
- Conflict avoidance: Many people find it uncomfortable to reject someone directly, so they choose silence instead.
- Lack of interest: The person may lose interest and see ghosting as the easiest way to move on.
- Fear of confrontation: Some individuals fear an angry or emotional reaction, so they avoid the conversation altogether.
- Overwhelm: Juggling multiple conversations on dating apps can lead to forgetting or deprioritizing someone.
- Safety concerns: In rare cases, someone may ghost because they feel unsafe or threatened. This is not the same as casual ghosting and should be taken seriously.
While these reasons may explain ghosting, they do not excuse it. Clear communication is always the better choice.
The Etiquette of Ending Communication
Whether you've been on one date or ten, there is a respectful way to end things. The key is to be honest, direct, and kind without over-explaining. Here are some guidelines:
Do Send a Closure Message
A short, polite message can prevent unnecessary hurt. For example: "Thanks for the time we spent together. I don't think we're a match, but I wish you all the best." This simple text takes 30 seconds but shows respect for the other person's feelings.
Don't Ghost After Multiple Dates
If you've been on more than three dates or have been intimate, ghosting is particularly hurtful. In these cases, a phone call or in-person conversation is more appropriate. If that feels too intense, a longer message acknowledging the shared experiences is a minimum.
Consider the Context
If you met on a dating app and only exchanged a few messages, ghosting is less severe but still avoidable. A simple "I'm not feeling a connection, best of luck" is easy to send. For more serious relationships, a proper breakup conversation is expected.
When Ghosting Might Be Justified
Ghosting is acceptable if you feel unsafe, have been harassed, or if the other person has crossed boundaries. Your safety comes first. In such cases, you can block the person without explanation. For more on recognizing unhealthy patterns, see our article on red flags in communication.
How to Handle Being Ghosted
Being ghosted can trigger feelings of rejection, self-doubt, and anger. However, you can take steps to move forward in a healthy way.
1. Don't Internalize It
Ghosting says more about the ghoster's communication skills and emotional maturity than about your worth. They chose an easy way out, which reflects their character, not yours.
2. Limit Your Reach-Outs
After one or two unanswered messages, stop. Sending multiple texts or calling repeatedly can appear desperate and may even be considered harassment. Respect their silence as an answer.
3. Seek Closure Within Yourself
You may never know why they ghosted. Instead of obsessing over reasons, focus on accepting that the relationship is over. Write down your feelings or talk to a friend.
4. Evaluate Your Own Communication
Reflect on whether there were any signs that the person was losing interest. This isn't to blame yourself but to learn for next time. For tips on clear communication, read how to ask for consent.
5. Take a Break if Needed
If ghosting has left you feeling drained, consider taking a break from dating apps. Spend time on hobbies, self-care, and reconnecting with friends. When you return, you'll be in a better headspace.
How to Avoid Ghosting Others
If you've ever ghosted someone and felt guilty, you can change your behavior. Practice sending a brief, honest message instead of disappearing. Over time, it becomes easier.
- Be concise: You don't owe a long explanation. A simple statement of disinterest is enough.
- Be kind: Avoid criticism or listing flaws. Focus on the mismatch rather than what's wrong with them.
- Send it and move on: You don't need to wait for a reply or engage in a debate. Once sent, you've done your part.
Remember that treating others with respect creates a healthier dating culture for everyone. For more on establishing boundaries early, see setting boundaries early.
When Ghosting Becomes Harassment
Sometimes, after being ghosted, the person on the receiving end may try to contact the ghoster repeatedly via multiple platforms. This can cross into harassment. In the Netherlands, online harassment is illegal under Article 285b of the Dutch Penal Code (Wetboek van Strafrecht). If someone continues to contact you after you've made it clear you want no further communication, you can report it. Learn more in our article on online harassment laws.
Similarly, if you've been ghosted and the person later resurfaces with a fake account or attempts to scam you, be aware of common dating scams in the Netherlands and use tools like reverse image search to catch catfish.
Ghosting vs. Benching and Breadcrumbing
Ghosting is one of several modern dating behaviors that involve ambiguous communication. Two related terms are:
- Benching: Keeping someone as an option while dating others, with minimal contact.
- Breadcrumbing: Sending occasional flirtatious messages to keep someone interested without intention of meeting.
All these behaviors stem from a lack of clear communication and can be equally frustrating. The best defense is to be direct about your own intentions and to expect the same from others. For a comprehensive guide to safe dating, check out The Complete Guide to Safe Adult Dating in the Netherlands.
Moving Forward After Ghosting
Ghosting is never pleasant, but it doesn't have to define your dating experience. By practicing good etiquette yourself and responding with resilience when others ghost you, you contribute to a more respectful dating environment. Remember that you deserve someone who communicates openly and values your feelings. If you're struggling to move on, consider talking to a therapist or a trusted friend. And always prioritize your safety: use safety apps for dating and follow planning a safe first date guidelines.
Related articles
- The Complete Guide to Safe Adult Dating in the Netherlands
- Red Flags in Communication
- Setting Boundaries Early
- Online Harassment Laws in the Netherlands
- Common Dating Scams in the Netherlands